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"(God) isn't a decision. It would be like trying to fall in love with somebody, or trying to convince yourself your favorite food is pancakes. You don't decide those things, they just happen to you. If God is real, He needs to happen to me."

-Donald Miller, "Blue Like Jazz"

There was a time before I was a Christian, a Christ-follower, in which I was a churchgoer. It was really hard to tell the difference, even for me. I was in church every Sunday. I went to Sunday school. I sang loudly. I prayed along vehemently. I got linked in with a men's bible study. I participated in outreach and social events. You could've called me Mr. Church!

Only one problem. I wasn't really sure I believed in God. I really wanted to, but I couldn't force myself to do it. Like Donald Miller said, you can no more make yourself believe in God than you can force yourself to be in love with someone you don't or enjoy a food you can't really stand.

Sure, you can fake it for awhile. You can make other people believe it. Hell, you might even be so good at pretending that you can convince yourself for awhile, but eventually the truth will come out. People will begin to recognize the emptiness in the words you speak and the actions you take. There's a lot of things in this world which can be masked and hidden for a long time, or that go unrecognizable, but love of anything is not one of those. True love and geunine feelings always show their true colors.

It wasn't that I was completely opposed to believing in God or even that I felt incapable of loving God. I just didn't know how to go about it and it certainly wasn't at the top of my priority list. I thought if I sang loud enough, prayed hard enough with the right words, and did enough good deeds in His name that he would simply be there and I wouldn't need to put much effort into it. The math seemed simple enough, but my calculations were incorrect.

Here were my two major mistakes:

1) Having a greater desire to be viewed as a Christian than my desire to be one. I was doing a lot of stupid things in my life at the time, so I figured I'd go to church. After all, church-going people didn't do stupid things, right? Church-goers were all forgiven by God for their wrongdoings, weren't they? This was going to be easy... I would go to church, and if there was a God I was as good as gold beacuse I made appearances and said and did the right things while I was there. Not only that, but people in the community would see that I went to church and would therefore know that I was, in fact, a good person! As my current pastor says, I was living like hell 6 days a week and trying to get right with God on Sundays.

2) Not speaking to God from my own heart. I'd go to church and reiterate in my head the prayers the pastor would speak from the pulpit. Doing this is much like following the bouncing ball in a Disney Sing-Along video. It's okay for a time, but if want to be recognized as a real singer... you eventually need to branch out and sing your own song. It took me a long time before I reached a comfort zone where I could pray my own words, thoughts, feelings, and concerns to God.

Eventually I reached a point where I was going to church not just to go through the motions, but I really wanted to obtain a personal relationship with God. I started praying to him through my heart instead of vicariously through the words of others. When I made those changes, God happened to me, and it has been an amazing ride ever since!

"The devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God."

-Donald Miller, "Blue Like Jazz"

re-li-gion
–noun
1. a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, esp. when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.
2. a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects: the Christian religion; the Buddhist religion.
3. the body of persons adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices: a world council of religions.
4. the practice of religious beliefs; ritual observance of faith.

I can't stand religious practices. Some of the times I've felt most disconnected from God were times I've spent in some of the churches I've attended. You get so caught up in routine and ritual that God is completely left out of the equation. There were times I'd sit there in church counting down the minutes before I could leave, and you always knew when that would be because the service lasted the exact same amount of time. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Opening song.
Greeting time. 5 minutes.
2 more songs.
Prayer.
Lord's prayer.
Call to worship.
Sermon (20-30 minutes depending on length of songs).
Prayer.
Communion.
Closing song.
Closing prayer.

1 hour and 15 minutes later... free from all this church stuff. Once, at one church, we installed a new pastor. His first couple of sermons ran a few minutes over causing people to get out 10-15 minutes later than normal and he would catch hell for it. People were more concerned about beating the Sunday afternoon crowds to lunch than worshipping God.

The religious practices were so mundane and so focused on not changing order, following established timelines, and getting to lunch... it was like falling into a trap. Which it is. One put forth by a very cunning enemy.

I was in that trap for a long time, entangled in it, and didn't even realize what had happened to me. I'd go, sing the songs, pray the prayers, time the sermon, and do it all without any emotion, joy, or reverance. I'd think more about where and with whom I'd go to lunch that day than about God sending his son to die on a cross for my sins.

Epic fail. I had to either get out of the rut or get out of the church! Unfortunately, there weren't many people who were willing to get out of the rut, so I had to get out of those churches.

I might eat a little later in the day, but spiritually I'm much fuller.