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"The lady in front of me pulled out food stamps to pay for her groceries. I wished I could pay for her groceries myself. That afternoon, I realized it was not the woman who should be pitied, it was me. It was not that I wanted to buy her groceries; I wanted to buy her dignity. And yet, by judging her, I was the one taking her dignity away."

-Donald Miller, "Blue Like Jazz"

It never ceases to amaze me when I hear and see Christians take the opportunity to judge, insult, demean, and be hateful towards other people. I hate to use the word "hypocrite" when discussing matters of religion. It has become so blasé.

I also hate to use it... because it's true.

In reality, all Christians are hypocrites by definition (a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings). All Christians have a set system of beliefs of what is right and wrong based on biblical teachings, and we all (without exception) fail in adhering to those beliefs at different points in our lives.

At the same time, that's the basis of Christianity. Christ was sent here for us because we can't get it right, because we're going to screw up, and because we have a sinful nature. He died on the cross because we are hypocrites.

There are times where I hear Christians called "hypocrites" which causes me to hang my head and feel ashamed of how we are not living Jesus. Ashamed because these actions could easily be avoided. These are what I would call sins of behavior because they are avoidable and controllable. The type of behavior where we become ugly people doing ugly things in the most un-Christlike way possible.

Yesterday, a friend of mine who attends a different church posted a photo from his church's worship service to Facebook while the service was taking place. The person who posted this is a beacon for the Christian community in our city. He lives a good life, talks openly about his faith, and takes significant actions to reach the unchurched in our community and abroad.

I saw the picture and thought to myself "Wow, that looks like a really awesome service...". It shows the kind of worship a lot of people would be comfortable going to. It's bright, colorful, lively, and has a couple of teenagers in the front row who seem really engaged in what is going on.

Then the comments started.

My friend was blasted for posting this picture to his Facebook page while the service was going on. He was asked why he wasn't paying attention to the pastor's teachings, and that this was a "sad story".

I made a comment about how lots of people (including myself) from lots of churches tweet and facebook pictures and sermon excerpts during service even while paying attention. I talked briefly about e-vangelism (the use of technology to talk about God) and how effective it is to reach out to the unchurched.

This was the response I got:

"Are you kidding me! That is such a distraction for those who arent saved, those who are hurting, and kids who we tell not to do it that are trying to pay attention."

After that... a slew of people jumped in and the whole conversation rapidly declined. People were called rude, uncaring, the Facebook police, etc. It got bad enough, that one person even commented and told people to stop mentioning what church they attended! Seriously!

That last part broke my spirit a little. We went from an awesome picture from a really dynamic worship service which might encourage someone to go check out that church, to a series of words, insults, attitudes, and actions which would make going to church the furthest possible thing from my mind. Words, insults, attitudes, and actions... of Christians.

I think my friend said it best:

"...is an awesome place to worship - we just need to understand that with technology - we can do live webcasts, we can tweet the message power points, we can facebook and many other ways to let the message of Christ reach the world. We are in a time and place that technology will be used to enhance current and future worship services. My iPhone does not have a flash, or make a sound when it takes a pic, and you hit one button to upload. We must embrace what the world uses to stay connected, and use it to shine the light of Jesus Christ to a people and places they may not experience our worship and message. Love you all."

I think it goes to show... we can talk Jesus all we want, but what's really important is that we live Jesus if we're going to make a difference.

"He was too proud to receive free grace from God. He didn't know how to live in a system where nobody owes anybody else anything. Though he understood that God wanted nothing in return, his mind could not communicate this fact to his heart, so his life was something like torture."

-Donald Miller, "Blue Like Jazz"

Practice what you preach.

I'm a big fan of God's grace. It is one of the biggest joys of Christian living which I share with people who are asking quesions about God. I know that God's grace is abundant, sufficient, and all-encompassing. Stop and think about that for a moment. There is nothing you can do which God is not willing to forgive you for.

Complete this sentence:

God, I know that I _____________, and I pray your grace is enough.

Fill in whatever sin you have committed and God is willing and able to forgive you for it. Humbling.

I start every day of my life with the intent of living a sin-free day. I fail virtually every day.

I'm a lot of things the bible says I shouldn't be.

I am angry. I ridicule. I lust for beautiful women. I am unforgiving. I am a braggart. I am selfish. I worry. I am a glutton/overweight. I am greedy. I use foul language. Do I need to continue?

We all sin. Sin can be intentional... pre-planned if you will. I sin by not doing things I should (sins of omission). I sin unintentionally. I sin without knowing it.

For every one of these things which I am and am not, there is grace. In my heart I I know that I am forgiven when I ask to be, but at the same time I find it very difficult to think I am forgiven. The flaw of trying to rationalize God I suppose. While it is me and not God who is harboring a sense of ill will towards me and my transgressions, the end-result is the same, I feel dirty and unworthy.

I torment myself constantly for my failures. I keep these thoughts from people most of the time and appear at most times to be cool, calm, and collected. This is not reality. In the words of NHL coach Fred Shero, "I'm like a duck: calm above water, but paddling like hell underneath." There are times where my paddling makes its way to the surface, and God always steps in one way or another and sends someone to help me deal with how I'm feeling.

Recently I twittered a statement about how I really needed to begin reconciling my failures with God. In my heart, I know he has forgiven me for them. In my brain, I think I still owe him something for that grace. Is it humility or pride which makes me think there's something I can actually do to pay God back? Hey God... thanks for that whole sending your son to die for me and forgiveness of all sins thing. Here... borrow my lawn mower and we're all square this week, okay?

That's what it feels like at times. Seriously? God does not need or want anything from me. If he wanted or needed something... he'd take care of that himself. He's GOD for GOD's sake!

The last time I had a mini-meltdown and exposed how I feel, God sent a friend of mine to me via a text message of all things. An unexpected source. This is someone I rarely see or talk to, but at the same time it is someone I have a world of respect for their intelligence, kindness, and faith. The conversation went like this:

Friend: Eric. Seriously. You have not failed God. Reconciling is one thing--we are all in the process of becoming more truly human, more truly whole. But that does not imply failure. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Me: Thanks. I try to tell myself that all the time. Grace is just SO hard to wrap your head around when you screw up so majorly.

Friend: I just hate to see you be the victim of a distorted theology. God is not a hander out of grades, passing and failing. He resurrects the dead.

Me: My heart knows that. It just has a hard time convincing my brain. It's simple in theory, but it's hard to not try and rationalize God and feel deserving. I fucked up a 10-year relationship, regardless of fault. I'll accept my part in it. I've broken my son's family. How do I just accept that?

Friend: We don't just accept the brokenness in our lives. I'm not suggesting that all bridges burnt can be mended. But there is something to be said for what Jesus was known for in his time. He was, to everyone, a healer. and when we call him our own healer, that (if we take it seriously) fills our own lives.

Me: Yes, but stubborness, weakness, whatever is is just leaves a sense of feeling like maybe I screwed up too much this time. Applying human thoughts towards how God operates is a fail, but that's what I need to work out.

Friend: It's not easy. Things may not be able to return to the way they should be in our lifetime. But our actions, our love, our prayers, all draw from that one great Act of resurrection -- and anticipates our own. If Gethsemane (Eric's note: Where Jesus and his disciples prayed the night before Jesus' crucifixion. "his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground." Luke 22:43–44) is anything, we know it takes time and tears and sweat and prayers on our knees. Seek, and you will find. Christianity has a rich history of "failures"... but they never did it alone.

Me: True. "Reconcile" is probably a poor choice of words, but it's what it feels like in a way.

Friend: Reconciliation is what we are after-- with ourselves, God, and everyone around us. Not a poor choice at all.

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God, I know that I _____________, and I thank you that your grace is enough.